Ouran Goes Military
by theAirshipLibrarian
Summary: The Ouran High School Host club has decided to go to Meryton, England and pay a visit among the regiment there.


"Tamaki, please stop hanging out of the carriage like that. It isn't safe." Kyoya reached up and tugged his friend, Tamaki Suoh, the host club 'king', safely back into the carriage.

"B-but look at that. It's wonderf- Ooh, what is that thing?" Tamaki twisted in his seat and pointed out the opposite window at the quaint country parish.

"It's a clergy," Haruhi said, her voice taking on a 'duh' tone.

"Of course you would know that. What would we do without our clever little commoner to help us?" Tamaki threw an arm around the commoner. She squirmed out of his grasp and fell back against the twins who were busy calling up taunts to the coachman.

"Hey poor-coach-dude! How long till we reach Meryton?" Kaoru yelled out the window, getting only an incoherent mumble that sounded vaguely like five minutes in response. Kaoru opened his mouth to call out again, but Tamaki slapped a hand over his mouth.

"No! You don't want to insult these poor commoners. They are very sensitive. You know how depressed they get when impressive people like us don't treat them with the respect they don't really deserve."

Does he even know what insulting means? Haruhi thought as she listened to Tamaki's prepping about how to keep lower class happy. She shook her head. Obviously not.

"So what exactly are we doing here again?" She asked Kyoya, the only one with any sanity. On second thought, maybe Mori had sense, but he never spoke much so it didn't really count.

"We are joining the regiment in the area," he replied. As if that made any sense.

"But, why?"

"Please, Haruhi, ladies love noble soldiers," Tamaki interrupted. "And you know what soldiers do. We'll fight for their freedom, we'll protect them at the risk of our lives. We'll- "

"Likely do absolutely nothing," Kyoya finished.

"Come now, Kyoya, there is such inspiration that wearing an army uniform provides."

"Couldn't we have just cosplayed this back at Ouran? I mean, that is what we always do," Haruhi muttered.

"But that wouldn't be any fun," the twins said in perfect unison.

"They're right, Haru-chan, this will be lots of fun. Besides, don't you think Usa-chan would look cute in regimentals?" Hunny looked up at her through big eyes.

"We're here," Hikaru crowed and jumped out of the carriage before it had really stopped moving.

"Watch your step Mitskuni," Mori spoke up for the first time during the trip and reached up to help Hunny climb down off the barouche (because they'd totally have a barouche.)

"Thank you Takashi," Hunny chirped.

"What do you think Haruhi? Cool, huh?" Hikaru appeared at her side and grinned. "This should be interesting, right?"

"I guess," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "It's just kind of weird."

"Hikaru," his twin called to him. "Come look at this."

Hikaru smiled again and then ran off.

"Haruhi, don't think this is amazing?" Tamaki came up behind her and flashed her a childish smile. "Isn't it quaint? Just look at the cobblestones and these ribbons," he pointed to a display in the front window of a shop.

"You like ribbons, senpai?" she asked then rolled her eyes. If anyone were to like ribbons, Tamaki would be the obvious answer. It was ridiculous. She doubted anyone was quite as silly as Tamaki. She doubted anyone was even half as silly.

"Why, of course. I think ribbons-" Tamaki trailed off, zoning out.

[i]Theater of Tamaki's mind

"Oh, Senpai, you bought more ribbons? For me?" Haruhi snatched them from him and whirled around in a circle, giggling prettily.

"All for you my flower," Tamaki smiled and grabbed her hands, spinning along with her.

"Oh, Tamaki, you're too kind. And so handsome in that uniform! It makes me wa-

* * * * * * * *[/i]

"Senpai, are you alright?" Haruhi interrupted Tamaki's daydream. "You were acting weird. Though I suppose it isn't anything out of the ordinary. I mean, you always act kind of strange."

"Worry not Haruhi! I will buy you those ribbons immediately. You need no longer wish for them in silence!" He leaped through the door of the ribbon shop, knocking over tables and displays.

"I want those ribbons! Now!"

The shopkeeper stared Tamaki who know had morphed into some sort of emperor. "Yes sir," he said cautiously and held out the handful of ribbons.

"Thank you, accept your payment," Tamaki held out a handful of random coins which were much more valuable then the ribbons he'd just taken.

"Uh, sir," the shop person began, but Tamaki had noticed the damage he'd inflicted on the room.

"Oh, I'm sorry, let me help with that," Tamaki leaned down and started picking things up and placing them in their proper places.

"Thank you, sir," the man said as Tamaki went outside to join his group.

"What are those ribbons for?" Kaoru asked. "And what were you doing in there?"

In reply, Tamaki held out the ribbons to Haruhi with a charming smile. "For you, Haruhi," he said.

Haruhi looked at him with disgust and turned away.

"Ooh! Officers!" Two young girlish voices carried in the wind. The owners of the voices were two pretty girls who looked to be about sixteen and seventeen. They were dress in low cut dresses with lots of little decorations. They were waving gloved hands in a flirtatious way. Haruhi glanced behind her to see whom they could be waving too, but the host club was the only group in sight.

"Officers," the younger looking one ran breathlessly up, her face rosy and her brown curls blowing in a disheveled, but enchanting way. "Hello," she said, her accent making her sound even sillier than her affected high voice did. "I'm Lydia Bennett and this is Kitty," she nodded to the slightly more composed girl.

"Katherine," Kitty corrected, "but everyone calls me Kitty."

"Who are you?" Lydia demanded, and ignored the elbow Kitty planted in her side.

"The name is Tamaki," Tamaki spoke up and pulled a rose from behind his back. "I'm honored to make the acquaintance of such charming young women" He held the flower at an angle, brushing Lydia's cheek with the petals. Lydia squealed with delight and then quickly forced herself to settle down.

"Are you joining the regiment here in Meryton?" Kitty asked, every aspect of her body obviously willing them to say yes.

"We are indeed," Kyoya said coolly, a formally cold smile on his face.

"Tamaki, you are too cruel. You must introduce to your friends," Lydia grabbed his arm and looked up at him through large, dog-like eyes. He gave a slight bow and then extricated himself from her. He came forward and clapped his hands twice.

"Tamaki Suoh, the host club king! 6 feet, constellation Aries, and blood type A." Tamaki turned in a circle in front of the girls and bowed low. Then, taking a hand of each, he gave a small kiss on their palms.

"Kyoya Ohtori, host club vice president. 5 feet 10", constellation Cancer, and blood type AB." Kyoya just went forward and bowed politely, no spin or kissing involved.

"Hikaru and-"

" Kaoru,"

"Hitatchin. 5 feet 10", constellation Gemini, and blood type B." The twins each grabbed a girl and spun her around. "Delighted to make your acquaintance."

"Takashi Morinozuka. 6 feet 2", constellation Taurus, and blood type O." Mori nodded his head and gave a shy smile, sending the girls into a fit of delight.

"Mitskuni Haninozuka. 4 feet 9", constellation Pisces, and blood type AB. Loves cake, bunnies, and other sweet or cute things." Hunny smiled up at them with a childish grin.

"Oh my!" Kitty stammered. "He's so little! How old are you Hunny?"

"I'm eighteen," he answered, "same as Takashi."

Kitty and Lydia stared in amazement at the small young man.

"R-really?"

"Yup!" Hunny said, flashing them another adorable smile.

"Haruhi Fujioka, 5 feet, constellation Aquarius, and blood type O. Of common lineage." Haruhi gave the girls a closed, but friendly smile. "Nice to meet you," she said.

Kitty blushed, bringing a hand to her heart and Lydia bounded up, grabbing Tamaki's arm with one hand and Haruhi's with other. She nodded to Hunny as if to tell him to come to her.

"These are my boys. We can share the twins."

"B-but I wanted the little one," Kitty stammered.

"Too late!" Lydia laughed and let go of Haruhi and Tamaki to grab Hunny. "He's so darling!"

Kitty glared at her, but was startled when the twins came up behind her.

"Don't worry, Katherine, you can have both of us."

"How can you say that, Hikaru? Only I should be able to have you," Kaoru said tearfully, looking up at his brother through pained eyes.

"You'll always be first, Kaoru, it just isn't fair to the others."

"Uh…" Lydia stared at the twins with confusion and horror. "What exactly do they mean by that?" she asked Tamaki.

Tamaki smiled and gestured to the brothers. "Tragic, isn't it?"

"No, it's improper," a new voice spoke up and they turned to face a lady accompanied by two men. The woman was tall and imposing, with dark hair and a straight posture. Her nose was sharp and her eyes critical. She curtsied and held out her hand.

"Miss Caroline Bingley," she said with mock pleasantness.

"Madame," Tamaki bowed and turned to the men, bowing again. "Tamaki Suoh," he said. Then, gesturing around the small group, "Kyoya Ohtori, Takashi Morinozuka, Mitskuno Haninozuka, Hikaru Hitachin, Kaoru Hitachin, and Haruhi Fujioka."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Miss Bingley said, then turned to the gentlemen accompanying her.

"Charles Bingley," said an open man with bright eyes and a happy smile. "And this is Fitzwilliam Darcy," he said pointing to the taller, more serious man. A Pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Thank you," Kyoya said, smiling with composure. "Now, shall we be off to find our new lodgings?" He said to his companions, the other host club members.

"Yes," Kaoru said, "I'm curious to see this barracks."

"So, you are soldiers then," Miss Bingley said knowingly, glancing at Lydia and Kitty. "I see."

"Yes, we are, simple foot soldiers who want nothing more to keep the peace of this fine county," Tamaki piped up, earning a subtle elbow in the side from Kyoya.

"Please, Tamaki, we'll hardly be keeping any peace here. Come along."

"Oh, no, please come home with us," Lydia grabbed Hunny's arm. "Mama would love to have you to dinner. You too," she extended her arm, adding the Bingleys and Mr. Darcy in the invitation. "It won't be any trouble."

"You're too kind, Miss Bennet, but really, we should be going," Kyoya said kindly, but firmly.

"Kyoya, look at her, you've offended her!" Hikaru rushed to Lydia's side. "We'd be honored to come." Under his breath he added, "see, the boss is all for it."

And indeed Tamaki was, he had taken the girl's parcels from them and started down the road with Mr. Bingley, their light-hearted voices filling the air around them. The rest of the group followed suit, the twins, Hunny, Mori, and the young girls caught up with Bingley and Tamaki while Haruhi and Kyoya followed behind. Soon they were in step with Mr. Darcy and Miss Bingley.

"How do you handle them, Mr. Ohtori?" Miss Bingley asked, raising an eyebrow as Hunny squealed with delight.

"Handle them? Why, madame, you speak as though they are but children." He smiled, politely, but Haruhi felt he was wincing inside. This Caroline Bingely was setting her teeth on edge.

Mr. Darcy twisted his head around to face her. "You've known the Bennets for long?" he asked.

"No, we just met those two girls not half an hour ago."

"And you are joining the regiment here in Meryton?" He asked, though it wasn't phrased as a question and he obviously knew the answer.

"Yes, we are to be stationed here for the month and then we shall go back to Japan."

"Asia?" Mr. Darcy showed some interest for the first time. "You're from Asia?"

"Yes, we've been traveling Europe and Tamaki wanted to stop in England. We all do as he says."

"If you don't mind," he gave a slight bow, "but why do you follow the whim of that boy?"

"He brought us all together and really, though he acts ridiculous sometimes, isn't as boyish as he may seem," Kyoya said, joining the conversation.

"He certainly does seem boyish," Miss Bingley said with disgust. "He has that odd air of an eccentric about him."

"I assure you, he is quite a fascinating gentleman," Kyoya said, his voice icily pleasant. Miss Bingley just looked away and continued walking. Kyoya and Haruhi both hurried to catch up with the others, keeping their silence, even after joining the main group.

"This is it," Kitty said as they reached a tall house, "Longbourn. I shall run in to tell Mamma that you have come." She ran to the door, opened it and disappeared inside. They could hear her voice shouting as she ran up the stairs, calling for Mama, and Lizzie, and Jane.

"Come, come," Lydia said, pulling Mori into the house with her and smiling coquettishly at the rest of them. "Don't dally around so."

"Oh my," a large, buxom woman came waddling down the stairs with Kitty and three other girls in tow. "Welcome, my dears welcome. I am Mrs. Bennet," she said smiling to each of them in turn. "And these are my daughters Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, and you've already met the youngest."

"Nice to meet you Madame," Hunny said stiffly, then broke out into giggles.

"If you aren't just the darlingest little child I've ever met. Would you like something sweet?" Mrs. Bennet leaned down to grace him with a beatific smile.

"Yes please!"

"Alright then, Mary, take this young man down to the cook."

A rather plain girl in a simple gray and white plaid dress nodded and led the way down the hall to another staircase and slipped out of view, Hunny right behind her and Mori following him.

An older man with rather white hair came out of an adjoining room lined with books and bowed to the newcomers. "Mr. Bennet, if it so pleases you," he said. "And you may have any of my daughters you please, though I must admit, Lizzie is the most sensible one. You can actually hold a serious conversation with her. A novelty in these parts."

"Mr. Bennet!" Mrs. Bennet looked at him fiercely. "Please, won't you all come in and sit down?"

They obliged and sat down on the faded chesterfields, an awkward silence befalling the whole group.

Mr. Bennet studied each of the boys carefully, shaking his head as he went. None of them looked to have any sense, except for the one named Haruhi, of course, if he had sense he wouldn't be with the rest of them. Kyoya might have a bit of sense, but he seemed proud and unapproachable like Darcy. The twins, well, they seemed like boyish versions of Kitty and Lydia. He shuddered as he turned to the one who seemed to be in charge. Tamaki Souh seemed utterly dependant on everyone around him, childish, immature, dependant, and completely ridiculous. No, none of these boys particularly pleased him.

Standing up, he brushed off his coat and pants and bowed shortly. "I'm afraid I must retire to my office. If you'd excuse me?" Without waiting for an answer he slipped away into the book-lined room and closed the door with a click.

"So, you've joined the regiment have you?" Mrs. Bennet asked eagerly. "You'll have a good deal of fun there. They're always hosting balls and parties to cheer the poor officers up.

"I do love a good party!" Tamaki said and then launched into a description of one of the many Host Club parties they'd hosted.

"Oh," Lydia groaned, "I do wish they'd have something so exciting here."

"Trust me, there is nothing exciting about it," Haruhi told the girl blandly.

"Not even…" Kaoru began, dramatically pulling out his words. "Fancy tuna?" Hikaru finished.

"That's right; you never actually had any did you?" Kyoya looked over his spectacles at her.

"What's fancy tuna?" Mary reappeared, with no Hunny behind her.

"You mean you don't know?" Tamaki asked, holding a hand to his heart. "Oh, I see," he paused turning his face downward. "We've offended you, seeing as how you are like our poor common Haruhi."

"Senpai!" Haruhi clenched her fists to keep her from getting up and holding a hand over his mouth.

"Ah, I was too late in realizing."

"Well, I certainly realize you're insulting us," Elizabeth said coldly from the corner where she was sitting. "And you are not improving your position."

"Tamaki, I think we'd better go," Kyoya said, just a crash came from a different room and a mournful cry that sounded like Hunny.

Mori ran up the stairs with Hunny on his shoulder, his tall stature and broad shoulders catching Mrs. Bennet's gaze.

"Oh, no, you n-needn't leave just yet, good sirs," she stuttered.

"Yes, they do," Mr. Bennet said from the doorway of his study. "I think they ought to."

"Oh, Mr. Bennet," Mrs. Bennet began to sob loudly. "You mustn't send them away so soon. One of them might marry one of our daughters."

At this the whole host club went stiff and in a line walked out the door. They had no intention of marrying, at least not yet. If they married, they would no longer be able to be a host club and if they could no longer be a host club all their handsome wonderfulness was put to waste.

"We thank you for your hospitality, and we really must be going."

They all bowed in turn and then left the house, leaving a sobbing Mrs. Bennet, Kitty, and Lydia.


End file.
